Douglas G. McLeod

Edit by Caroline Bielskis

"Protecting younger Children"

All creatures are vulnerable in the early years of life and in most species, parents fiercely protect their young. How much protection, and how long the young one needs protection, varies. In the dolphin community, the entire pod takes responsibility for babies regardless of who the biological parents are. Birds push their babies out of the nest as soon as they can fly. Dogs and cats sometimes kill their own babies if they’re sick or weak. Humans protect their young in varying degrees and ways, depending on culture, living situation and personal attitudes and situations. Economics can also play a role.

The early American settlers had extreme living conditions compared to our modern existence. Living in areas surrounded by vast open land and wild animals, minimal access to medical assistance, and lawlessness among the human population around them created a need for an early education in self defense. By the age of 10 most children knew how to handle a firearm.

Today we have it much easier in terms of safety and comfort. However, our children need our protection as much as ever. During the early years, our children need our constant supervision and care. As they grow, we teach them to be increasingly independent until they are fully self sufficient. A child is the most important responsibility a person can have. The level of commitment is greater than marriage, and the responsibility surpasses that of a CEO.

The ultimate goal should be to raise a child who is capable, independent, productive, and who contributes in a positive way to their family, community and the world as a whole. If we don’t do the job correctly in the beginning, we are running the risk of creating a problem in society for years to come.

In some ways we have a better environment to raise our children than in early American times, but we have also created hazards for our children with our modern lifestyle. One of these is the need for excellent childcare outside the home – and the lack of it.

With so many single parent households, and households with both parents working outside the home, most young children are in daily childcare. There have been many reports of improperly trained nannies. Childcare workers have injured, or even killed the young children they were watching. News stories about distressed or disturbed parents causing the injury or death of their own babies are increasing. Lack of self-control, substance abuse, inadequate education and inadequate support are all contributors to this horrendous trend. In the past, new parents had their parents and other extended family to help them and teach them how to parent. There were more caring adults to watch over the children. Today, many people just don’t know how to take care of an infant or young child; and kids don’t come with instructions.

Some people are very foolish when it comes to young children, and mistreat them as a result. I know of a father who tipped his newborn son, who was only a couple of week’s old, upside down to watch his face turn purple - for sheer entertainment! He did it repeatedly, and was telling other people in the room to watch. When the baby’s mother told him to stop, and finally took the baby away from him, he acted as though she was overreacting and being disrespectful to him. Children are not toys, and they’re not here for our entertainment. People need to understand that doing something like that to a brand new infant can be dangerous. We have the obligation to protect children, and that includes treating them with care, kindness and respect.

Children depend on everyone who is older and more capable than they are, and trust anyone who is around them. They have no other choice; they’re helpless. This means that any person who is in the presence of a younger person is a role model and has the obligation to exhibit responsible behavior. If someone doesn’t want that obligation, they should avoid being around children.

People develop bad habits mainly from mimicking those around them. This is a great hazard to our young, particularly in the area of self protection and survival. Children are like sponges; they absorb everything. The early years are the most critical time to educate and teach a foundation of safe, responsible behavior. This includes teaching children to take care of themselves while respecting others. It’s not easy, and the best way to start is showing by our own behavior.

One of our most important tasks as protectors, instructors and guides is to teach our children who they should and shouldn’t trust. This is very difficult, because sometimes the people they are supposed to trust become the predator. Teachers, police officers, clergy, older relatives, and other adults in positions of authority and trust, have crossed the boundaries of childhood innocence and have damaged the spirit of many a child. I believe that this is the most evil thing a person can do.

Parents have the difficult task of teaching their children how to listen to their own intuition, when it goes against what they’ve been taught. For instance, we teach our children that they have to listen to their teachers, that their older relatives are the boss when we aren’t around, that the police are there to protect them, etc. But we also have to teach them that all of those people are human beings, and human beings are flawed. Therefore, the child must learn to assess their own feelings about the behavior of these people who are supposed to protect and care for them. "If something feels wrong, it probably is." Teaching this should start; in age appropriate ways, as soon as your child is old enough to speak. This is quite a responsibility to put on a person who has been in this world for only a few years, but it’s necessary for their survival. Keeping a child ignorant and innocent is a dangerous choice in today’s world, unless you have the luxury of being able to constantly supervise your child personally.

I know a single mother, whose son was three years old when he hid from her in the drug store. He was playing a game with her, but didn’t tell her. One second he was by her side, the next second he was gone. She began looking around and calling his name. She asked other people if they’d seen a little blonde boy with a red sweater, but no one had seen him. She began to cry, and started toward the front of the store to tell them to lock the doors, not let anyone leave and call the police. Suddenly, her little boy was running toward her laughing. She knelt down and he jumped into her arms. He said "I hid from you!" She took his face in her hands. He saw that she was crying, and he began to cry. They held each other, crying, and then she picked him up and took him home.

Once they were settled at home, she explained to her son that there were people in the world who took children, and usually they never saw their parents again. It broke her heart to tell him this harsh reality at such a tender age, but it was for his own protection. She told him that, whenever they are in public, he must stay very close to her. She also told him that if anyone ever tried to take him from a store, that he should bite, kick, scratch, yell and try to break things in the store. If he caused a lot of problems, the abductor may let him go. If he damaged enough property in the store, the store manager wouldn’t let them leave until they paid for it. Such outrageous behavior could save a child’s life. After that, the little boy was much better at staying near his mother. Occasionally, she would ask him what he should do if anyone tries to take him. He would answer, "Yell, kick, bite, scratch and break things". She had drilled into his mind a method of self defense, and therefore empowered him by letting him know that he could do something to help himself.

A self defense mentality must be reinforced with our children constantly, so that they feel entitled to good treatment and a safe environment. If they aren’t getting it, they should feel empowered to do something to help them, because sometimes that may be all they have. There is general information that all kids should have, but there is also specific information that is appropriate to their age, gender, activities, environment and personality. There are many ways to re-enforce safety rules and precautions in children of all ages. Once a child understands how to identify a survival situation, he or she must be empowered to help themselves and try to control a bad situation, or prevent one altogether.

There have been reports where a child was kidnapped, saw an opportunity to escape and took advantage of it. Because good self-defense training and empowerment was given to them by their parents, they were able to save themselves. It is also important for a parent to be properly trained in order to give their child the tools they need.

CHILDCARE

With both parents working outside the home, it is more common for children to be raised primarily by someone other than their parent. I won’t address specifics in proper childcare here. I’ll leave that to the childcare experts. However, if you hire someone to care for your child, here are some things you can do to make a better decision with regard to your child’s care and well being:

Do a thorough interview and background check on anyone you are seriously considering, even the closest of friends or relatives. This can be costly and time consuming, but its well worth it.

I highly recommend installing a video monitoring system, with sound recording capability, to monitor the child and caretaker. (See Chapter Two for more information on video cameras and other home security technology). This not only serves as an extra layer of protection for your child, but for your home in general. It also assures that your caregiver is following your specific instructions, rather than doing things their way. Cameras are playing a major role in crime prevention and in aiding the apprehension of criminals. These systems should be installed so that they are unnoticeable, and they are a great investment. There are even systems that allow remote access, so you can monitor your home and child in real time from another location.

Baby-proof your home, and check around regularly for hazards to your child. Check the toy box for broken or hazardous toys, look around for dropped items that may harm a child, and immediately correct any hazardous condition in your home and in your child’s crib or bed.

Read material on the prevention of crib death, and make sure your childcare provider is knowledgeable on the subject, and is CPR certified. Crib death and SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) are a mystery, but there are specific sleeping positions and other issues that must addressed to help prevent these tragedies. Install a camera with a view of the crib and changing table.

Observe your children on a daily basis, being particularly sensitive to changes in behavior or reaction to various people in their lives, especially caretakers. They will let you know when something is wrong. Children are often afraid to say anything; however, they will communicate in other ways, sometimes unconsciously.

I have a Macaw named "Puff the Magic Dragon" or "Puffer" for short. He is less than a year old. Macaws live to be well over 50 and sometimes up to 70 years old, so Puffer is just a baby. Puffer and I have a close bond, and he trusts me completely. It is very similar to the relationship between a parent and child. He relies on me for food, companionship, nurturing, protection, and help from me, when he is sick, and even has other type of needs. As with all young creatures, Puffer is vulnerable and can get himself into trouble easily. Therefore, while I am away on business trips, I hire a friend to care for him.

The first time I left, my friend took care of Puffer fairly well. I could tell from the way Puffer behaved when I came home that everything was fine. The second time, Puffer was very stressed when I returned. He was excited, and screamed more than usual when he saw me. As my friend approached, Puffer tried to attack him, and continued to act this way until my friend left.

I have a video monitoring system in my house. One camera used and directed on Puffer’s perch and cage area, so I can make sure Puffer safe at all times. I immediately checked the system, and found that my friend had disabled that camera. When I confronted him, he said that he felt uncomfortable being on camera all the time while he watched TV in that room. I explained to him that I had the camera there for a reason, and it must stay on at all times. I made it clear that I would not accept any excuses if he turned the camera off again. Although he is one of my closest friends, and I value the friendship I have with him, I do not tolerate disrespectful or inappropriate behavior toward my bird. Since our discussion, he has left the camera alone, and Puffer is fine. I am not sure if he teased the bird or aggravated him in another way, but something happened, and Puffer let me know about it.

Children will communicate to you in a similar way. Usually it is more subtle than Puffer’s way, but they will give you non-verbal clues to what is going on. Look for signs. It is common for family members, close friends, and even paid caretakers to make unilateral decisions about your child’s care when you are not around, however in an emergency, it would be necessary and in other situations and in other times your are child should be taken care in accordance with your rules and instructions. You decide what your child eats, plays with, where they can go, when they go to sleep, etc. If a friend, relative or childcare provider does not respect your boundaries with your child, you have every right to confront them.

The D.A.R.E. PROGRAM

In some areas, children are faced with the choice to do drugs as early as second or third grade. The D.A.R.E. program< Program better invented>> is a drug prevention program that is taught in the American public school system. It is a good source of information and support in keeping kids on the right path in life, and to stay away from drugs and people who use drugs. However, do not rely on D.A.R.E to do your job as a parent. You need to address this issue with your family as a whole. Start with your own lifestyle and behavior, and the environment in your home. Share your experiences, and those of your family and friends, in an age appropriate matter. Your honesty, openness and concern will go a long way in helping your child make the right decisions.

One of my martial arts students in Maui has been a D.A.R.E. police officer for years. I have seen him work with kids of all ages, and he does a superior job. The D.A.R.E. program varies from school to school, but generally, it involves discussion, presentation and exercises in a workbook to reinforce the concepts that are being taught. Pay attention to what your child is learning through the program, and fill in any information that you believe is not being addressed. D.A.R.E is intended to support families, not take the place of important information that parents should be giving to their children.

EVALUATING YOUR CHILD’S DEFENSE UNDERSTANDING AND ABILITY

In Appendix ???, there are age-appropriate tests that you can give to your children to determine their level of understanding when it comes to making choices about strangers, child abductions, dangerous circumstances, self-destructive behavior and other serious issues they may encounter. You can identify the areas that need reinforcement, so that your child will become more knowledgeable, confident and empowered to be able to the make the correct decisions and to be able to react properly in a threatening situations.

Children have a natural trust in adults. When an adult takes advantage of that trust, children often do not recognize it, or are afraid to speak up if they do. Only a small percentage of children are able to stand up to an adult, even after taking a crime prevention or self defense course.

It is the parent’s responsibility to teach and re-enforce the concepts of empowerment, so that children know they can do something to help themselves when an adult is behaving irresponsibly. Some parents are concerned that, if they empower their child, the child will use it against them. That is rare. Generally, children want to please their parents. In Appendix ????, there is a list of age-appropriate methods to empower your child, as well as games you can play with them to help them understand and incorporate self defense into their lives.

CONTACT CARDS

A contact card is a laminated card with at least three contact numbers, your doctor’s number, medical insurance information, allergies, and any other pertinent information about your child. You can easily create one on your computer. There is an example in Appendix ????. Give one to your children, and tell it is for its use when your child needs to get a hold of someone who can help them when necessary. It is important that they understand that the card stays with them at all times, and must not get lost. If your child does not carry a wallet, pin the card to the inside of their backpack.

Print the card on thick "card stock" paper. You can laminate it very easily by purchasing laminating sheets at any store that sells office supplies: Wal-Mart, OfficeMax, etc. Be sure your Dr.’s name and number are on the card. List the contact’s relationship: aunt, friend, grandma, etc. Be sure to update the information as it changes. This card is for your child’s use. Tell them not to lose it, or show it around. If they have an accident, it is o.k. to show it to the teacher, police officer or other safe adult that is helping them.

SAFETY ZONES, FAMILY CODE WORDS AND PLAN ‘B’

These are safety tools that your family should use to protect each other and empower your children. Safety zones are places where your child can go in an emergency. Anytime your child needs assistance, there should be a safety zone nearby with someone to help them. One example would be your friend’s houses that are on the route to school. Other friends and relatives’ homes that are in your neighborhood are other ‘safe zones’, as well as business where you know the owner, etc.

Family code words are words that you, your child, and trusted adults or relatives know so that the child knows the person is safe to go with. For example, you have become very ill at work and are rushed to the hospital. You call your contact person (friend, relative, co-worker, etc.) and ask them to pick your child up from school. You have already instructed your child not to go with anyone, even if they say that you are sick and they are taking the child to you. If the person gives your child the code word, the child can be assured that, it is o.k. to go with them.

Your code words should change on the first of each month and be simple and easy to remember - like a pet’s name, favorite color, food or sports team. You can rotate names or have a drawing each month to decide who makes up the monthly code word. This is a way to make it fun, and it helps with family bonding. Throughout the month, ask your children what the code word is for the month, so you can be sure that they remember it. You may even want to put the monthly code word on your refrigerator. Just do not tell anyone else that it is a code word. Everyone in your household must know where your safety zones are and what your code words are. Contact people (trusted friends and relatives) do not need to know it unless you need them to get involved in some way. If you have to call them to help out, give them the code word at that time.

Always have a "Plan B" with your child. For instance, if you are supposed to pick a child up from school, an activity or other meeting place, and you are late, your child should know exactly what to do without panicking. They should know who to call and where to go, using their contact card and safety zone designations. Having this information available gives your child a great sense of security and empowerment, which is critical for them to enjoy childhood and be able to focus on other things, like their education. It also lets them know that you are organized and are looking out for them at all times.

IF A CAR APPROACHES YOUR CHILD

Teach your child to never approach a vehicle right away. They should keep distance between themselves and a car, walking toward the rear of the car so that the driver has to back up to reach them; but staying where they will not be hit. Teach them to look into the car to see if they recognize the driver or anyone else in the vehicle, and remember as many details as they can. If the child does not recognize anyone in the car, they need to get away as quickly as possible and go to a safe place or person. If the child knows the driver or other occupants of car, they must know the family code word before the child gets near the car. Your child should keep a safe distance until the adult says the code word.

Test your children by having a friend try to get them into the car, and see how they react. If they react correctly, congratulate them and reward them in some way. If they react incorrectly, you need to enforce this safety issue with them. This is one of the main ways that children are abducted. I address specific self-defense methods in chapter four, "Kids Protecting themselves".

GOING TO SCHOOL

When I was a child, we lived close enough to ride our bikes or walk to school. All the kids in the neighborhood walked or rode together, and we never really thought about danger, except for crossing the street. Today many people drive their children to school because of highly-publicized incidents of child abductions, many of which are committed before or after school. You need to determine what is safe for your child, depending on your neighborhood, distance to the school, you child’s age and maturity, etc. If there are older children that you know and trust to walk with your child, it may be safe. It is important to remember that older children need to be very responsible before they can be trusted out in the world with a younger child. Older children are sometimes dangerous to younger children, and you need to be aware of who your child is with.

Predatory adults often watch and learn a child’s habits before abducting them. Teach children to pay attention to their surroundings, and the people around them as well. I have seen children who are early elementary age walking home from school while reading a book. It is great to see them reading, but not while walking down the street! Someone could pull up next to the child, and they would not even hear him or her. The child would have no chance to react or run away.

You can tell if your child is ready to take on new responsibilities by past and present behavior. The tests in Appendix ???? will also help. It’s always better to be safe than sorry. Do not let your child convince you that they are ready for something that you know they are not. Here are some guidelines to follow if you decide to have your children walk to school:

Walk with them at first. Before you let them walk alone, have them show you the way to go (as though you do not know where to go) to be sure they remember the way.

Be sure there is a safe sidewalk or off-street path the entire trip. Don’t have your child walk on the side of the road.

Pay attention to who also walks to school and have a buddy system for your child. Tell your child to always walk with a friend or acquaintance.

See if there is anyone you know who lives along the way, arrange with them to make it a safe zone for your child to go if needed.

Teach your child that, if they think they’re in danger or are being followed, yell and run to the nearest store, safe zone, home or back to the school (whichever is closer), and tell an adult immediately.

Establish rules of behavior with your child regarding stopping to play on the way home, taking a different route than the one you’ve shown them, etc. It’s important that children go directly between home and school, unless you’ve made previous arrangements. Someone should be paying attention, and check it out if the child is late.

Work with your neighbors and other parents at the school and create a kid watch program, so that adults who are home before and after school can oversee kids walking to and from school.

Teach them how to cross the street safely.

Teach them how to handle new situations or temporary diversions: avoiding a barking dog in a yard, getting around a car that is parked in a driveway so that the sidewalk is blocked, etc.

Be sure the homeroom teacher is aware that your child walks to school, and that you want to be notified immediately if he or she doesn’t show up. Sometimes schools don’t cooperate with this because they have so many students and mornings are crazy, but ask anyway. The first few hours are critical in finding missing children.

If your child is old enough, give them a cell phone and make it a rule that they call you when they arrive wherever they’re going: school, sports practice, friends house, etc. Cell phones are cheap, and one of the best safety devices we have today. You’ll also need to have ground rules regarding cell phone use.

OBSERVATION AND MEMORIZATION SKILLS

Teaching children to observe and remember what they notice is one of the best self-defense skills we can give them, and will help them in every area of life. You can read more about this in Chapter 2, Natural and Environmental Weapons. The same concepts that apply to adults apply to children in this chapter.

Teach your child how to recognize types of cars and memorize license numbers; and how to recognize and describe people: height, weight, color of their skin, hair style and special characteristics (tattoos, clothes, accessories, scars, etc.). You can make learning these skills into a fun game, especially when out in public and while traveling. Chapter ten goes into learning games in more detail, and you can always make up your own. Playing these games helps your child learn faster and sharpens their observation skills. Role playing is another great way to reinforce self-defense concepts, and there are games for that as well.

IN AN EMERGENCY

Teach your child about calling 9-1-1. Explain to them that, if someone is in trouble, hurt or very sick, or if they see other people behaving dangerously, calling 9-1-1 will get them in touch with someone who can help. They will use their observation and memorization skills to give facts to the emergency operator. This is incredibly empowering, and a child can learn to use 9-1-1 very early. Of course, you don’t want to teach them to dial 9-1-1 until they have the language skills to explain what is going on, but this can be as young a four or five years old, depending on your child.

WHEN CHILDREN ARE HOME ALONE

Most of us remember the movie, "Home Alone", where the little boy defends himself, and his home through elaborate traps and ‘weapons’ that he creates with toys, tools, hardware and household items. In reality, most children that young lack the sophistication and sense of empowerment to react in such a way. I don’t recommend that children be left alone, unless they have demonstrated a clear ability to do so. Eleven or twelve is usually a good age for a child to be responsible enough to be home alone.

Unfortunately, for economic reasons, both parents often need to work just to support the family, and childcare is too expensive, so their children become ‘latchkey kids’ at an early age. This requires a child to mature and take on responsibility sooner than they really should. If you need to have your child home alone, it’s important to have rules and a plan; and to make arrangements so that your child can contact you at anytime while they’re home alone. If you have a job that does not allow this, work it out so that your child has immediate access to you or another responsible adult. Here are some safety steps that should be taken:

Be sure your child has a buddy with them until they reach your home. A fellow student who lives on your street is perfect.

Try to arrange an emergency contact arrangement with a trusted stay-at-home neighbor. If they are willing to have your child come to their home first, and walk your child to your home and assure the home is safe, that would be ideal. Many people work at home these days, and may be willing to do this for you. Only let one or two trusted neighbors know that your child is coming home alone after school.

Have a list of all phone numbers handy: school, contact people, friends, etc. Keep a copy at work, in your purse or wallet, in your car, etc. Update the information as necessary.

Tell your child to lock themselves into the home and call you immediately to check in, once they’re safely inside. If they don’t call you by the determined time, start searching for them: start by calling home, then the school, neighbors and contact people that your child has been instructed to check in with. After that, call your child’s friends. If no one has seen your child, or you get suspicious information, call the authorities immediately. Time is of the essence when a child is missing. The longer the child is missing, the fewer clues for the authorities to find them.

Install a camera monitoring system, with one exterior camera on each entrance to the home, and a camera in each living area. There are some relatively inexpensive systems available, and a very worthwhile investment; even if you have to go without something else for awhile to pay for it.

A child should NEVER answer the door if they’re home alone, or even speak to the person from a window - even if it’s someone they know or a person of authority, like a police officer, teacher, etc. You should have a place in your home with a clear view of the front door, so your child can discreetly see who it is. Have them call you to let you know. They’re not to open the door unless you say it’s o.k. Don’t give your child the responsibility of making such a judgment call. If there’s an emergency, have a plan that incorporates a trusted person. Give them a key, and tell them it’s only for emergency use.

A child should not be answering the phone when they’re home alone – unless it’s you. Teach them how to screen calls with your answering machine and not to pick up unless it’s you.

Have a plan for emergencies, in case you have an accident or illness. Incorporate your laminated information card, code word and Plan B system. Children should have access to the parent’s phone numbers and their locations at all times; just as parents should know where their child is at all times. Having this information increases a child’s sense of security.

If you leave your child home alone at night, all the same rules apply. Keep in mind that more break-ins occur at night. Be sure to have good exterior lighting for your home, an alarm system with video monitoring, and give your child immediate access to you, or a trusted adult, by phone. Younger children should never be left alone at night. It’s just too scary for them.

It’s very important to know your child and what they’re capable of handling. Even if your child is very intelligent and responsible in their daily lives, they may not be emotionally ready to handle being home alone, regardless of their age. The tests in Appendix ??? will help, but you also have to communicate with your child and let them know that you’ll work with them. Sometimes a child will agree, or even want to be home alone. But once they experience it, some children realize it’s a little scary for them. Be sure to monitor and communicate with your child to make sure they’re o.k. with the arrangements. If they’re not, make other arrangements.

In my neighborhood, I see very young children, as young as three years old, unsupervised and running around the neighborhood all day long. This is very dangerous, and the parents are putting their child in harms way. Not only can a child get hurt running around like this, but they are easy targets for pedophiles. There could be a pedophile living next door to you, and unless you’re able to check them out, you’ll never know. Unfortunately, not all states require registration for pedophiles and there’s no way to know. Children need the attention of adults, and if they don’t get it from you, they’re easy prey to others. If you give your child the attention, supervision and guidance they need while they’re young, they’re more likely to be grounded, productive, independent and self-sufficient people.

WHO IS A STRANGER?

Your child should begin to understand various types of relationships very early in life. As soon as they’re old enough to comprehend the differences between a family member, a close friend, an acquaintance, a neighbor and a stranger, define these people in their lives. A stranger is someone your child does not know, even if they’ve seen them before. Parents and guardians need to determine who is and isn’t a stranger. Explain to your child that everyone is a stranger until you tell them otherwise.

You may wave and say hello to a neighbor, but explain to your child that they are not safe until you say they are. Strangers come in all shapes and sizes, and can wear nice clothes or even a uniform. Uniforms have an air of authority, so it’s important that children know that it’s just an outfit and doesn’t guarantee that the person is o.k. The mailman comes every day, but is still a stranger.

Be sure that your child’s name is not readily visible on the outside of their clothing or property. Children have been fooled by strangers calling their name and telling them that their parent is hurt, and that the child must come with them. The person’s air of authority and urgency, the fact that the person knows the child’s name, and the child’s concern for their parent will often cause the child to go with the person. That is why a code word is so important.

Have your children follow these rules about strangers:

Unless the parent has said the person is o.k., they’re not.

Never take anything like food, gifts or money from a stranger.

Never talk to strangers.

Never go with a stranger or accept a ride from one.

If a stranger asks for directions, or help in any way (like finding their child, dog, etc.) stay away – they shouldn’t be asking kids for help. Even if they have a child with them, they are not safe until the parent says they are.

Never give your name or address to a stranger.

Don’t have your name where it can be seen: clothes, backpack, etc.

If a stranger in a car, in a store or on the street bothers you, or if they try to follow you or grab you, scream and run away to a safe person. A dangerous stranger doesn’t want to be the center of attention.

In addition to the concept of "stranger", a child needs to know about questionable acquaintances and relatives. There have been many cases where a close relative abused a young child and scared them or bribed them to keep silent. Sometimes they threaten the child, and sometimes they threaten the child’s parents, a sibling or a pet. Children will put themselves in jeopardy to protect their loved ones, and these predators know that. Tell your child that no threat should keep them from coming to you or one of the safe adults that you’ve designated.

If you’ve designated a person as ‘safe’ to your child, and realize that they’re no longer safe, either from new information you have about them or a change in their behavior or lifestyle, let your child know immediately. Simply let them know that you made a mistake and that the person is no longer safe, even if they know the family code word. There’s no harm in admitting a mistake to your child, but there is great harm in allowing an untrustworthy person into your child’s inner circle of people.

YOUR CHILD AT OTHER PEOPLE’S HOUSES

It’s important to remember that children look up to adults, and older children, for protection, life education, role modeling and guidance. It’s a responsibility to take very seriously. When I allowed my eleven year-old step-daughter to attend a sleep over at her friend’s house, I met the parents and they seemed responsible. It turned out they were drug addicts and had a history of family violence. Needless to say, I had to admit my misjudgment and tell my daughter that she was never to go to their house again.

It’s easy for people to make a good impression for a short meeting, just ask any residential property manager. I made a big mistake by not investigating these people. If someone has nothing to hide, they won’t mind being checked out. Be sure to take the time to visit their home and establish an acquaintance with them. You don’t have to be friends with people you don’t connect with, but you do need to be acquainted with their personalities, lifestyle and parenting style. Here are a few tips:

Ask about the other people who live in the house: relatives, renters, siblings, etc.

Let them know that you may stop by and check up on everything later in the evening. They should understand and have no objections.

Be clear about any rules you have regarding your child, such as bedtime, t.v. shows and movies they can and can’t watch, foods they can’t eat, whether they’re allowed to be unsupervised, etc.

Be sure to leave contact information for you and other people in your network of safe people, as well as instructions in case of an emergency: Dr.’s name and number, which medical facility your family uses, etc.

Let the parents know that you expect them to care for your child in the same way that you do Different people have different ideas about what is o.k. for children to be exposed to. If the parents have a problem with your standards, tell your child that they can’t stay, but that their friend can stay at your home, where you can supervise them.

As always, it’s up to you to decide how old your child is before you allow them to sleep over at a friend’s house. It also depends on where they are and who they’re with. If you’re close friends with the family, or if they’re close relatives, then it’s fine for a younger child to stay overnight. I believe that ten years old is the earliest to start allowing slumber parties, etc. But you should make that decision based on what you know about your child, their friends and their friend’s parents.

CHILD ABDUCTIONS

An eight year-old girl was abducted from her home in San Jose, Ca. Her kidnapper knew her through one of her friends, and had been watching her for some time. He held her for several days before she was returned to her family. She was able to get his cell phone number and his address, and then faked an asthma attack. When he went for help, she called the authorities and told them where she was. A neighbor had a surveillance camera mounted on their house that taped the abduction, which helped identify the kidnapper as well. This child was lucky, but she was also very smart and brave to have handled situation the way she did. In the face of fear and horrible abuse, she kept her thoughts together and did exactly the right thing to save herself.

Although you can teach a child some effective self defense tactics, most children do not stand much of a chance to defend themselves physically against an adult because of the vast difference in strength, size and maturity. Children are easily intimidated, and predatory adults take full advantage of that. This is why it’s so important to teach children how to avoid being taken in the first place.

There have been cases where a child was taken from their bedroom, and were never seen alive again. It’s incomprehensible that your child wouldn’t be safe in their own room, or that you wouldn’t hear something. Unfortunately, predators are very goal oriented and figure out ways to get to their prey.

In a case from Northern California, a pre-teen aged girl was taken from her room while her parents were in the living room. The man came through the window and told the girl to come with him. She had a friend in the room with her who was spending the night. The girls thought it was a prank, and the one girl went with the man. There was a massive search and her body finally found. They caught the man and he was convicted, but it was no compensation for the loss of the girl.

There are many stories with similar circumstances and most of them have the same unfortunate outcome for the victim. With the few cases where the child is returned to the family, there is still the emotional trauma and other damage done. If a predator knows that your home is monitored by video security, they will likely change their plans.

A five year-old girl was abducted a few years ago in Chicago, and was held in the basement of an old building. She was playing in the street with her friends in front of her house when two men drove up. One of the men jumped out of the car, grabbed her, put her in their car, and they sped away. Her captors tied her to a chair in the basement of a vacant building in another part of the city, and left her alone for awhile. As she sat there, she could hear children playing outside in the distance. She was able to untie herself and run to window to yell for help. The children heard her and reacted like heros. One ran for an adult while the others went and helped the girl out of the window. The authorities arrived shortly afterward, and the girl was able to describe her captors to the police. She was returned safely home and her abductors were arrested.

It’s critical that your child understands their natural and environmental weapons (see Chapter One), and feels empowered to do something to help themselves. In an abduction situation, a child has to depend on their own abilities, which is a frightening thing. They need to keep a clear head, which is hard enough for adults to do in a dangerous situation. They need to observe and remember who they’re with and where they are, so that they can describe it all to someone if they get a chance. And they need to constantly look for a way to escape and run for help.

Unfortunately, sometimes divorced parents abduct their own children because of a disagreement with a court decision, or simply to punish the other parent. It’s critical to remember that children are human beings, not possessions. They are gifts that have been bestowed upon you to guide, nurture, protect and teach. Ultimately, your job is to teach that person to live, flourish and contribute in the world. They cannot do that if they are not treated with respect.

If a separated parent has doubts about their ex-spouse and what they may do to their child during visitation, deal with it on an adult level without involving the children. If you’re concerned about your ex-spouse taking your child illegally, you must involve your child by telling them what the custody arrangements are. If they’re not supposed to go with the other parent, they must treat them as a stranger. This is very difficult for your child, and you should use outside resources to help you: a good counselor, friends, relatives, etc. Usually, children want to go with the other parent. They love them and don’t understand that they have problems, unless they’ve experienced extreme abuse – and even still, many children don’t let go of their abusive parents. As always, make sure your child can contact you anytime, and has your phone number memorized.

TRAVELING AND ATTENDING LARGE EVENTS WITH CHILDREN

You are on your way to a family vacation, and are making your way through the Los Angeles International airport with your three kids, ages 5, 7, and 9. How do you keep track of them? You and your family are at a professional sporting event, a circus, an amusement park or other huge event with thousands of people. You turn your back and one of your children are missing! What do you do?

There are several precautions you can take. Here are a few:

Have your family members wear the same shirt – something with a bright color like red, lemon yellow, hot pink or turquoise blue. You’ll be able to spot each other at a distance and, if someone gets separated from the group, you can show security exactly what they’re wearing. A hat is also good, but is not as effective because they’re easily lost. If you use a hat, it’s important that it ties onto the head so it doesn’t get blown or knocked off.

Have a plan. Before you leave the house, have a family meeting and be sure that everyone knows what to do if they get separated from the group. Incorporate cell phones and your laminated information card. Walkie-Talkies are also great tools to use. As soon as you reach your destination, choose a landmark for a meeting place in case someone gets lost. Have designated check in times if you split up into smaller groups.

If you’re traveling in an unfamiliar city by public transportation, it’s common for one person to get off too soon, or for someone to be left behind because the doors close, etc. Plan for this by having everyone agree to meet at the next stop. The person who got off early will re-board the next train or bus; the person who is left on will get off at the next stop where everyone else will be waiting for them. If everyone complies with this, you’ll all be together very quickly, and you can continue enjoying your trip.

Be sure that everyone has a copy of your intinery (including origin, destination, flight numbers, times, airline; lodging locations, phone numbers, etc.) and a laminated information contact card. If you’re traveling out of the country, everyone should have a travel wallet (a small bag that hangs around the neck) with a copy of the itinerary, their laminated information card and a copy of their passport inside – and should be instructed to keep it inside their shirt at all times and never open it unless it’s necessary.

There are security devices that can be connected to your child, and are linked to a satellite positioning system, much like those that are installed in cars. You can track your child if they get lost. Many parents are now investing in this new technology.

CHILD SELF-DEFENSE AND EMPOWERMENT

There are many ways a child can defend themself against an adult, but they must have the tools or they will be too afraid to try. Teach your child that there is something they can do to help themselves. The key to confidence and empowerment is knowing that you’re not a helpless victim. Teach them to throw their books and other items at an attacker, and to leave clues, like pieces of clothing, toys, etc. that will lead searchers to them if they are abducted.

Martial arts is a great method to teach children empowerment, as well as acquiring confidence, social skills, concentration, proper breathing while under stress, self-defense, coordination, balance, anger control, self-discipline and many other qualities that will help them in every area of life. Studies have shown that children who study martial arts are generally more confident, well behaved and do better in school. A word of caution: Be aware that children have a tendency to push boundaries. With knowledge and freedom comes power and responsibility– and it’s critical that your child understands this. Once you give your child self defense knowledge and ability, they have to be responsible for it. If they abuse it, they will be held accountable by their school, the law and by you.

Acting classes are another fun way to teach a child about self defense, and life in genera. Through acting, a person is put in various situations where they have to make decisions on how they would react if the situation were real. This provides an opportunity to gain life experience in a safe environment. Many self defense classes are incorporating acting and role-playing to give students the opportunity to feel the emotions of fear, confusion, anger, defense, etc., and react to those emotions. If they find themselves in a real-life situation that mirrors the role-playing scenario, their brain says, "I’ve done this before, and I know how to handle it!"

Team sports and clubs are a great way to teach cooperation, teamwork, patience, strategy and other great skills. In addition, they give your child a sense of belonging and an opportunity to meet friends who have the same interests. There is power in numbers, and if your child feels as though they belong to a team or club, they will be more confident – especially an only child, or a child who is years apart from their siblings in age.

If you have an introverted or shy child, who says they aren’t interested, sign them up for a short class that incorporates teamwork. A four-week class through your local Parks and Recreation Service would be a great start. You’ll be surprised at the difference it will make in your child’s confidence level. As always, be sure to monitor how the club or team is being managed and who is managing it – or better yet, get involved and volunteer. It provides a way for you to observe, and also helps with the bonding of your relationship with your child. Never agree to a program that does not allow you and your child access to each other. Anyone who structures a child’s program in such a way should not be working with children. Having rules to keep people from constantly interrupting the program is fine, but isolating you from your child is unacceptable.

There are many non-profit organizations that are free, or charge a very low fee for their programs. I’ve already mentioned Parks and Recreation, which is facilitated by cities and counties. I am the president of ‘Street Smart System of Self-defense, Inc.’, which is a non-profit organization. We do free seminars every month on the Island of Maui in Hawaii, teaching crime prevention for all ages, including children, women, and senior citizens. Our programs are always packed, and we get great feedback from our students and their parents. You can find many organizations like ours on the internet, or through your school or local government, that offer many programs. Some programs are listed in Appendix ????